Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pregnancy Woes

STOP: If you don’t like gross girls, or women who say what’s on their mind no matter what, you shouldn’t read this post. In fact, you should likely stop reading my blog all together, as I’m sure the posts will just get worse.

A bunch of my friends are at the point of their lives that babies will be becoming part of the mix. Here are the little things that these crazy friends have to look forward to!

1. YOU.CAN’T.DRINK.ALCOHOL. Enough said.
2. No cold cuts. This means no turkey subs, no Italian HOAGIES (how I hate that word)…no nothing! This one I have cheated on though.
3. Constant trips to the bathroom to pee. And by pee I mean two tinkles and wipe. Oh but you’ll FEEL like you’ve got a gallon of water in there!
4. Pooping like clockwork. In my case it’s in the morning when I wake up and Brandon is laying on me. Too much info? Tough.
5. Barfing non-stop for the first 12 weeks. If you’re not one of these people, I hate you, and you’re lucky.
6. A foot in your rib, rubbing on it back and forth. Just a little reminder to let you know your baby is still in there.
7. Stretch marks. Picture this…you know when you go to a museum of sorts, and they have those static electricity balls? You put your hand on them and the static electricity is directed towards your hands? Yea…that’s what my stomach looks like. Fan-fuckin-tastic. Again, if this doesn’t happen to you, I hate you, and you’re lucky.
8. Mid-night wakeups…for no reason. I will wake up at 3 am, and just won’t be able to sleep until 5. I shouldn’t say no reason tho, it might be because I am so damn uncomfortable that no matter what side I sleep on, there is some sort of baby anatomy sticking out of my body.
9. You become a magician. You’ll wake up one day and VOILA – no feet! You literally cannot see your feet! Along these same lines, you will eventually need some help putting your shoes on. Bending to tie shoes takes my breath away – and not in a good way!
10. Welcome Barbarian. I can’t reach my legs (or my lady bits in case you wanted to know) to shave! Well, let me rephrase that. I can reach them, but I cannot see what I am doing, so it’s really a pointless endeavor. Enjoy that OB-GYN – hope you’ve got your weed whacker ready!
11. Sex? What’s that? Sure, maybe my husband wants it, but TOUGH. I can’t even reach my toes to put my shoes on, and you want me to do that? (Hope my mom never reads this blog!)
12. Have you ever had heart burn? Well…You have now!! I don’t know why they call it heart burn though. It’s more like atomic fire from the throat down to the top of your stomach. I like to call this the breathing fire syndrome. The more hair the baby has, the worse the heart burn. How lucky am I that I’m doomed to have a hairy baby?!
13. Weight gain is always a fun one. Though I didn’t gain TOO much this pregnancy, it’s still not fun to step on the scale and hear those dreadful words from the doctor, “Okay, so you gained 4 lbs since last time a saw you…looking good”. No, bitch…NOT LOOKING good. At least be honest with me, it’ll be a lot easier to handle!
14. Oompa Loompa walk. Yup…I look like an oompa loompa other than the orange skin. With the oompa loompa walk comes being out of breath when you walk to the mailbox, as well as being extremely off balance. Don’t walk down the stairs with socks on – you may fall. I did.
15. Bellies (and bodies for that matter) may appear smaller than they really are. Also, openings that you may have to fit through often appear larger than they really are. Bumping your huge butt into some random stranger’s seat at a restaurant while trying to get between their chair and yours may seem like a good idea before attempting…but the looks you get after will reassure you it was an epic fail.
16. You didn’t get the cereal I wanted? I must cry. Your talking when I don’t want you to? I’ll cry. Extreme Home Makeover – home edition? Extreme cry fest. YOU.WILL.CRY. Over everything. Over the stupidest of all things. For no reason at all sometimes. Really, it gets embarrassing when you try to stick up for yourself or argue a point, but you can’t do it without crying! Can’t wait to have my manhood back!
17. Awesome clothes. And by awesome I mean oversized smocks. You know…Like the smocks that your ‘rents would send you to school with in elementary when you needed something for art class. Nothing sexy about maternity clothes.
18. Leaky boobs. Now this won’t happen ‘till later on. But when you’re sitting in your office, and someone looks at you strange, the first thing you should do is look down at your shirt. Make sure you don’t have two large, wet rings around your nipples. Chances are – you do. Welcome milk!
19. Hope you like changing your underwear. Like…3 times a day. I won’t get into the details of this one in the event that an individual of the male specimen is actually following this (not likely)…but trust me…leakage is no fun…but it sure is abundant!
20. EXTREME fatigue. Like fall asleep in your food type of fatigue. Having a 2 year old doesn’t help me with this one, but even if you don’t have a child you’ll feel this one. People will tell you, “get all the sleep you can now, before the baby comes”. You wanna know what I have to say to that?? SCREW YOU people who don’t know what you’re talking about. Sleep isn’t an option when you need a snow plow to help roll you over in the bed to get in a good position!

I am very sure that there are many more, but I feel as if 20 is enough for now. Don’t let me scare you though! There are also many wonderful things about pregnancy…you know…like knowing you have a living human being growing inside your belly! Good luck to all of my friends trying, and welcome to the club to those of you just beginning out in this lovely journey!!! Ta Ta for now. I’m going to eat breakfast – I figure if I’m gonna tip the scale at my appointment tomorrow, I might as well do it happily with a full belly!


  1. Loving the blog :) Never showing it to Tim, about birth control! haha xoxo

  2. I totally laughed my ass off reading this! You're so funny!! They way you write everything is just hysterical!